Unposted Letters : Do forgive me someday

Often it happens, what is want to say to someone – remains unsaid. That silence and mum for years builds up in our hearts and minds. Here is a series of “Unposted Letters” which will feature emotions – feelings – thoughts of people who have something to say.

Dearest Antara,

I have been meaning to write this letter to you for the last eight years but every time I put paper to pen guilt got the better of me and I couldn’t write a single line.

We worked together for two years and all this while I never understood why you were always in a rush to go home from work. I always thought, “What was the big deal if you had left your one-year-old daughter at home with a maid?” I thought that did not allow you to skip your responsibilities at work and find some pretext or other to leave office early when all of us were slogging it out late into the night.

Although age-wise you were older to me but I used my senior position to tell you at times to stay back like all of us. I knew this annoyed you.

At that time, since I was not a mother, I never realized how hard it must have been for you to leave your precious child all alone with a maid and come to work.

I remember we even got into an altercation about this once when our boss, who understood your predicament better since he was a father of two, very tactfully ironed out our differences telling me it was not easy to do the balancing act between motherhood and a career. I never understood then. I thought you took an equally good pay pack home so you needed to put in equal number of hours at work like all of us.

I never realized that you time-managed well enough to meet the deadline while all of us, who had husbands coming home late or were single, spent quite a lot of time in the cafeteria, in the smoking room, at coffee breaks and then stayed on late  at work to make up for lost time.

I hope you will be able to forgive me one day. Today I am a mother and I precisely know what you felt every minute you spent in office. I am sure your daughter occupied your thoughts all the time and you were worried if the maid was feeding her, bathing her and keeping a watch on her properly.

Now I realise how brave you were to have come to work every day with a smiling face and perform to your best. Today I feel sad that I created such a fuss about your leaving early. I guess this much of support you deserved from your colleagues.

I remember when my son was a year-old all the paranoia I went through when I got a new maid. By then I had given up my job because I wanted to be at home with him, but when I went to the bathroom while my son was asleep I locked the front door because I feared my new maid, whom I hardly knew, might run away with my sleeping child. Then I thought of you and instantly knew the fears that you locked in your heart every day.

Hope you will be able to forgive me one day.

Amrita

Guest post by Amrita

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Behind locked doors…

Recently, one of my friends told me –

It takes more than courage to show your dark side

where's the key

And it really got me into thinking.

How often do we reveal our true selves?

How often are we natural our self – laugh at silliest of jokes – ask absurd doubts – be curious about minor thing?

How often  do we say exactly what we feel – without sugar coating it?

How often do we share our secrets?

How often do we get people with whom we can share our inner dark secrets?

It really is astonishing to see what all people can write in anonymity. Have a blog with a name that has no connection with you. Give in your confessions to arbit confession-pages on Facebook. Write in a magazine or column in a pet name.

Why do we keep our real identity in wraps? Why can we not just be our real selves?

locked doors

Why do we hide our actual feelings and emotions behind some cheesy lies?

Are we scared? Do we fear judgement? Are we conscious? Are we insecure?

What is it that keeps our thoughts behind a locked door?

Who do we confide do?

Should we or should we not confess?

behind locked doors locked door

I am still pondering over these questions… You could help me figure out, maybe?

P.S :

In near future (April end) I am writing a series of “un-posted letters” on my blog and inviting guest posts for the same.

The compilation of this would have letters you never posted…the ones you wrote/wanted to write to your mother/teacher/neighbor/boss/husband/friend/ex but did not.. There is no need for names, you can address them to “an inspiring soul” or “a long lost friend” or “love of my life”..

Leave a comment in case you’re interested to be a part of this.

FEAR : an analysis

It is undeniable that we humans live in constant fear.

However much confident, independent, solitary or loved we are, there exist an ounce of fear within each of us. The fear some share openly, the fear some hide mysteriously, the fear some admit consciously and the fear some know unconsciously..

So what are these fears?

I made a small list of my own here, trying to explore different types of fear found in the deepest corners of our hearts.

1. Fear of losing a loved one

This is the most commonly found fear in humans. Maybe in animals too, but I haven’t thought about that (yet).

Be it a person fearing his/her old ailing parent would die soon. Or a teenager head over heels in love with someone, fearing its just infatuation and won’t last. Fear of losing a loved one stirs up anyone – even if they claim they’re emotionally strong. Losing a child or spouse or parent / grandparent is the most natural fear, and natural because it is defectively installed in us to love our family. The ones who nurture us over the years, the ones who stand by us all along.

fear of losing a loved one

They say break-ups are hard, because even lovers become emotionally attached, falling prey into the fear of losing each other. This type of fear in fact, causes many other issues like being possessive, over protective or addicted.

Fear of losing a friend is also found in many. Some friendships do last long, but some are lost in the sands of time.

2. Fear of being lonely

Man is a social animal, which needs to be occasionally, if not constantly, fed with emotional interactions with others.
The fear of being lonely results in actions like seeking attention from family/peers, be always surrounded by people, or even being a party animal.

All these, and even more circumstances signify that people have a need to interact with others. And devoid of it causes mental imbalance too.

Nobody wants to be lonely. Its i different thing, to be alone for a while – to maybe sort out a problem, or think peacefully. Solitude is essential, but prolonged solitude is harsh on a person.

fear of being alone

Moreover, as there is a saying – with sharing, happiness multiplies and sadness decreases. To be not able to share and celebrate one’s happiness is disheartening, and similarly, not being able to share the burden of a problem or worry also consumes a person from inside.

Hence everyone has a close-knit circle of family and friends, and the idea of losing them is always scary.

3. Fear of failure

Failing to meet expectation, repercussions of not meeting a deadline, losses of a failed project or continuous bad luck/timing – all these are perfect examples of fear of failure.

Giving up a dream because it doesn’t seen feasible, not taking up a task or not taking risks in a project/investment – these also imply that we are scared of failure.

fear of failure

Success matters so much, that we resent on miscalculating and not take an unplanned step. Uncalculated decisions taken without much weighing of matters can cause failure, but it is short-term only. For the long race, it teaches us what not to do which adds on to our experience and wisdom.

Staying on shore won’t fetch you pearls. And staying aboard won’t give you the experience of swimming. So dive in!

4. Fear of being judged

This is fairly common too, in all age groups.

A student might not raise a doubt in class, because he is embarrassed that it might be a foolish doubt and what others might think of him. A high school student hides from his peers that he writes romantic poems, because he fears they’ll laugh at him. A college graduate looks at the mirror before stepping out of his room, because he doesn’t want to be the laughing-stock. A manager doesn’t suggest improvements because he doubts if they’ll be implemented or even considered, and the management might dismiss him saying its a waste of time. A professor throws out a student from his class because of asking an irrelevant question, but actually because he dint know the explanation for it.

fear of being judged

There can be a million instances in everybody’s life, when we act according to others. Because we fear what will others think. How many people have you seen singing in the public openly? Very less right? That’s because they fear they’ll be laughed at, or looked down upon, or be stared at.

We judge others and we are scared of being judged. It’s a vicious cycle which needs to stop.

5. Fear of conscious

A famous person once wrote, I sleep peacefully at night because I have a clear conscience.

If you haven’t borrowed or stolen, why will you fear anyone? Who can harm you, unless you have harmed someone? The inner voice won’t leave you alone if you know you’re guilty.

That is the power of conscience. It’s not in self-control. We can’t shut the constant nagging of our mind reminding us of our sin.

fear of conscience

This fear of conscience, I say, is the best fear. Because it keep a check on us, guarding us from our own deeds and protecting us from decisions we might regret.

If such a fear of karma exists in all of us, this world would be such a peaceful place to live in.

6. Fear of death

The biggest truth of our life is death. Even though death is inevitable, there isn’t a soul who accepts it wholeheartedly. Everyone wants to live just a little longer.

Maybe the old and ailing wish to end their lives, and the ones who commit suicide don’t actually know the worth of this beautiful gift called life, but for the rest of us the fear of death doesn’t go.
Even our cultures and religions don’t preach us particularly to accept death with open arms with a smile on our face.

Indeed, our holy books narrate about the wonderful afterlife, lure us towards the glorious heaven and tell us how angels will take care of us, but these hardly leave an everlasting impression on our minds to fight or curb the fear of death.

fear of death

Maybe I am wrong, but at least I haven’t read anything which tells people to give up the life and be dead instead. The holy books can guide us, how to lead our lives, so that when we die we don’t suffer (in death or life after death). They can even tell us how committing sins will hinder our transfer to the other side of death. But none can teach us how to accept the ultimate destination of death.

Some people don’t travel by airways, some avoid water, some prefer walking than sitting in a machine called car and some just keep bodyguards. All because they love their life and don’t want to die.

To a certain extent, this emotion is justified. We humans make emotional bonds with not just living beings but also non living things. So just the fear of leaving it all behind does stir up some unpleasant feeling.

But how far can we fight death?

7. Fear of future

Got final term exam tomorrow? Or results?
Or a thesis presentation?
Or maybe an appointment with your manager?
Or a meeting with your employees to tell them their allowances are reduced?
Or maybe its your baby’s first day at school?
Or a new collection of clothes releasing tomorrow?

And are you having butterflies in your stomach? Not able to sleep?

Well my friend, then like all of us you are excited and maybe fearing the future.

fear of future

There is one thing to look forward to future – which is a positive aspect. Because you have worked hard for it, and you know nothing went wrong and you did it all absolutely correct. Then you look forward to future, waiting for the fruitful results.

But if you have doubts, you are not confident or you’re confused, you have done something wrong, crossed someone, they you fear your future. Because you worry what hell might break loose tomorrow!

As to how to avoid this, I really don’t know. Maybe with a clean conscience. But then, actors or fashion designers etc they do their hard work, but they fear the critics and audience on day of release. That has got nothing to do with conscience because an unknown factor is judging you and deciding your fate. Conscience has no play then.

8. Phobia

Google can list more than 100 types of phobias found in people.

See here for the complete list.

Some are afraid of the dark, some are afraid of being lonely, and some are scared of crowd. This is a play of hormones in a person’s body, in my opinion.

As far as I know there isn’t a cure of phobia or other types of fears for that matter. And definitely there is a limit to which one can control his or her mind. Lets agree not all of us have a tactful control on our minds and hearts. Then how do we deal with fears?

faith-vs-fear

Faith. Facing the true facts, looking right into the eyes of our fear, and keeping in mind the truth of our living, may help some fight some of these fears. And that is what therapy also does. It makes us believe in ourselves. Believe that we are the sole writers of our fate, destiny, life and death. And come what may, we have the strength to face it.

Live life in each moment with whatever you have around. Maybe lesser people tomorrow, maybe fewer loved ones by your side, but its you my friend who decide the terms and conditions for your life. Tomorrow I may die or I be so embarrassed that I wish to die. But at this moment I live this moment. With no fear. With no fear.

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Season of (19) Awards… yipppeeeee…!!

A series of awards here…..WATCH OUT…. 😀

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Leibster Award from My Rabbit Hole Trips – a very sincere gesture, which I truly appreciate.

Questions I got to answer –

1. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? not in my pocket 😀
2. What is your favorite day of the year? the days I get a genuine appreciation
3. What is your personal theme song? “I like to move it move it”
4. If I have 10 cookies, and you take 3, what do you have? a sharing friend
5. You are stranded in space, what is your one item you must have with you? clothes
6. You just stole Trump’s hair, where do you hide it? I would not steal
7. Why do you put up with me? I am improving my toleration skills 😉
8.  Clowns? Scary, or cool? Funny 😀
9.  This fairytale will describe your life… none
10.  If you were a superhero, who would you be? superwoman – who else 😉
11. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done and why? remove my second degree burn marks from my legs

liebster

Leibster Award from Angie

Questions for me –

1. What was the most interesting place you’ve been to? Why? Airports – they’re the best

2. If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be? What would you ask him/her? Angelina Jolie – how do you manage those bunch of kids, career and husband?

3. What’s your favorite dessert? Can you make it? Chocolate Mousse – yes

4. Have you ever lived outside your country? Where and how long? I have lived only in 2 countries – I consider both my homes equally

5. What’s your dream job? Being a writer. I am almost there. Blog – done, Newspaper- done. Now a novel.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you? My brother pulled down my pajamas – he is 9 yrs younger to me 

7. Best book you’ve read so far. Sidney Sheldon, Dan Brown

8. 3 things you can’t live without. Water, Air, Light

9. What’s the most bizarre food you’ve eaten? a local dish of Kerala – don’t know its name

10. What are you scared of? My father’s disappointment in me

11. Happiest moment in your life so far. Writing as a free lancer for a leading daily newspaper in Middle East

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Leibster Award from Elaine White

Questions to be answered:

  1. Do you have a light side or a dark side? I am 50 shades of rainbow colors
  2. Who is your intended audience and why should they read your blog? Youth and women. They both are the most imp sector of any society
  3. What’s the most amusing thing that’s happened to you? Being nominated for a local pageant 
  4. If your life were made into a movie, who do you picture playing you? Priyanka Chopra
  5. Vanilla or Chocolate? Chocolate 
  6. Do you have any deep dark secrets you would admit to your readers? I have but I won’t 😉
  7. Who is your favourite book character? Any detective is my favorite book character
  8. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever done in your life? I rather not say 😀
  9. Do you prefer films or books? Meaningful books and entertaining films
  10. What’s your favourite colour? White
  11. If you could have any pet in the world, fantasy or real, what would it be? Anything – I love animals

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Another Leibster from ramblingsofabipolarwoman

very inspiring blogger award 2013 very inspiring blogger award very-inspiring-blogger-award1

Very Inspiring Blog Award from a rambler , svkishere, Ruby, Eva, Sonu, Leanna Harrow, notes-to-ponder, Emily,  Martina and from Desiree (I love your boys btw)

sunshine-award versatileblogger OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Sunshine Award from Imthatkay and Lilyluna

Versatile Blog Award from Ruby. Check about the blog here

Beautiful Blogger award from PrimalNights

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Last but not the least -> my first ever Dragon’s Loyalty Award from Ajay.dragonsloyaltyaward

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Leibster (4), Inspiring (10), Sunshine (2), Beautiful (1), Versatile (1) and Dragon’s Loyalty (1) Blog award – 19 awards mentioned and acknowledged in this post……!!!

thanks

I am humbled by these gestures and really smiling with all the teeth I got beaming like a tube-light. 🙂 

I really hope I can keep writing, keep inspiring and keep reaching out to all other bloggers out there! Cheers.

thank you

New found love for PUPPIES

Well……to be honest, more than the new found love, its the new found courage to hold the puppies 😉

puppy

Love as always there- only for puppies- since they’re cute and don’t have big teeth. And- in my belief- mood swings which make them bite an arbit person 😀

IMG_1497 puppy

Thanks to my maternal aunt and her unwavering faith in souls inside all animals- I picked up a puppy and played with it till I overcame my fear.

cute puppy

Not only that, my entire dog-loving-maniac family then fed the puppies and let them poop around in our garden 😀 Positive aspect being the fresh manure for our roses and papaya plants!!!

pup IMG_1503

pup puppy

I sincerely hope, they don’t bite me when they grow up 😀

But anyways, my new found love has left me smitten. These cute babies follow me till the bus stand and auto rickshaw stand. Even when I come out on terrace and balcony, they come running to the door.

Dogs (puppies) are good friends INDEED….