Often it happens, what is want to say to someone – remains unsaid. That silence and mum for years builds up in our hearts and minds. Here is a series of “Unposted Letters” which will feature emotions – feelings – thoughts of people who have something to say.
I met you when I was only a child, and was drawn to you.
You were well known and greatly respected in your chosen field. I was delighted to be “liked” by you, and enjoyed the extra support and encouragement you gave me.
You were my coach, my mentor.
In time you became more important to me than my parents, family or friends.
I was happy to be around you, to babysit for you, to have extra training with you.
You were using me. Creating a friendship built on a lie. After one year you made your move. Within weeks you had enveloped me in a giant net, from which I could not escape.
I was too young to understand. I did not have the courage to ask for help.
My friends deserted me.
My reaction to my distress, shame and hurt at what was happening, caused me to become withdrawn at home. My mom and dad could not reach me. Even surrounded by brothers and sisters and loving parents, I was alone.
You had succeeded in your mission.
As I grew up you tightened the noose. You stalked me. Trying to control every moment of my day from a distance.
However you made one miscalculation. I was not as weak as you thought. A combination of my mothers steely nature and my fathers quiet strength, allowed me to break free.
And then I came looking for you.
I discovered many more who were also looking.
You ran, escaping to a faraway country. The news broke. My family struggled. Unwelcome notoriety came knocking on our door. Others took up the call and went looking for you.
A legal loophole stopped us. You can stay where you are.
Some may say we never got justice.
I say that I am well and happy. You took my childhood but that is only a few short years, I have reclaimed my life.
I am glad I will never again see you.
I will never forget what you took from me, nor will I ever forgive you.
But you no longer control my life.
You cannot say that about your own life. You have to be ever watchful. Because wherever you go we find you.
As I hug my husband and hold my children close, I smile and think of you.
Abandoned by your family, pursued by press and authorities with ever increasing financial difficulties.
In our tender years, we generally look up to the two people we’re most close to – mom and dad. For most people, mom is a synonym to affection, care, nurture etc. While dad is inspiring, motivating and a hero-like figure.
He earns the bread, looks after his family, pays the bills, takes care of every big small need of his kids and never lets them down.
During the pre-teen days, when world is a bed of red roses without thorns, most of us have an inclination to be like our moms or dads. In school paintings we draw our dads as super man and while giving a speech on “who is my hero” we describe our dads.
These rosy days last long for few like me and generally end for many as they hit the teenage clock. With denied permission, checking school bags, inquiring about grades, restricting outings and friends, most dads become Hitlers for their kids.
The other category – they still live in their dreams. The restrictions and permissions feel logical enough. The denial and strict attitude feels necessary. And we still consider our dads as our heroes.
Until finally maturity or harsh reality hits. Then we realize those taunts – he actually means them. When he says he has no faith in you – he meant it. When he told you on your face that you can never do anytime in your life – it wasn’t just meant to shatter your ego. He did mean it. He wanted you to feel the shame of disappointing him. Feel the agony of letting him down amongst his peers. Feel zero confidence because you’re not worth it. He meant it all.
Maybe you’ll try understanding why he said those things. At times even shrug them aside thinking he really dint mean to say those things. Or even completely laugh about it that he much be having a bad day today.
Until it happens again. And again. And yet again. And everyday.
Then you’re forced to think. Really? I am that pathetic? I am totally worthless? And you conclude that you have not achieved anything and you deserve those daily doses.
All those files full of certificates of appreciation, all those friends who boost you, all those unknown people who have faith in you – you ignore them all.
Since you worshiped your dad – he was your hero – every word he says is inked in your mind.
You cry about it every night. Some days those sobs put you to sleep and on other days the same sobs don’t let you sleep.
But it doesn’t stop anything. Nothing changes. With no family – no emotional support you finally start to live in suffocation. Suffocation of your own actions. Actions you were made believe were bad and for which you deserved such a treatment.
And your once beloved dad – stays your hero no more.
I hope it’s not true for you.
I hope you don’t live in the constant thought of, when can I run away or death is my only way out.
I hope someone saves you from suicide, someone understands you, someone believes in your convictions and someone stays by your side and says – its okay. You can’t change your parents. You can only learn to live with them.
A few days back, my mother referred to herself as fairy godmother. While we notorious kids laughed at her, there was a pinch on truth in what she said.
Fairy tales. We have all heard them. But when I started writing this post, I could not list more than 4-5 I remembered. My list was:
1. Snow white and the seven Dwarfs
3. Red Riding Hood
When I hit the Google, I found a huge list of fairy tales. So I could fish for a dozen more fairy tales- the I have heard before sleeping at night. I loved those tales, all of them. The idea of happy ending lingered on even after the tender years of childhood. Thanks to my mom, and her reference to herself 😉
So as a tribute to her, I made a list of qualities of the Fairy Godmother, as told by Disney. And compared with my mom 😉
Sweet – Check
Kind – Check
Motherly – Check
A bit absent-minded – Check
Short – Check (she is the shortest in the family)
Obese – Check (not really – but we love to call her that)
Elderly – Check
White hair – Check (a few only actually)
Aqua robe with pink inside hood, large lavender bow on the front – hahahahaha NO
Occupation : Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother (in retrospect, she does that for a living)
Goal : To help Cinderella , To look after Cinderella (Oh, she does that all day long)
Thanks to her, I re-visited my sweet memories. The blissful age of going to sleep without tension of tomorrow. The splendid age of no worries and a belief in perfect endings. The fun age to compare ourselves to the protagonist fairy 😉
Oh, well, that fun age isn’t gone I feel. I mean, aren’t a few of us still waiting for our prince charming 😉