Behind locked doors…

Recently, one of my friends told me –

It takes more than courage to show your dark side

where's the key

And it really got me into thinking.

How often do we reveal our true selves?

How often are we natural our self – laugh at silliest of jokes – ask absurd doubts – be curious about minor thing?

How often  do we say exactly what we feel – without sugar coating it?

How often do we share our secrets?

How often do we get people with whom we can share our inner dark secrets?

It really is astonishing to see what all people can write in anonymity. Have a blog with a name that has no connection with you. Give in your confessions to arbit confession-pages on Facebook. Write in a magazine or column in a pet name.

Why do we keep our real identity in wraps? Why can we not just be our real selves?

locked doors

Why do we hide our actual feelings and emotions behind some cheesy lies?

Are we scared? Do we fear judgement? Are we conscious? Are we insecure?

What is it that keeps our thoughts behind a locked door?

Who do we confide do?

Should we or should we not confess?

behind locked doors locked door

I am still pondering over these questions… You could help me figure out, maybe?

P.S :

In near future (April end) I am writing a series of “un-posted letters” on my blog and inviting guest posts for the same.

The compilation of this would have letters you never posted…the ones you wrote/wanted to write to your mother/teacher/neighbor/boss/husband/friend/ex but did not.. There is no need for names, you can address them to “an inspiring soul” or “a long lost friend” or “love of my life”..

Leave a comment in case you’re interested to be a part of this.

100 thoughts on “Behind locked doors…

  1. I’ve been thinking these same things, lately, too. I’m finding that for me, it’s about fear. Fear of judgement, of being abandoned. Everyone is afraid of different things, I’m sure. Thanks for talking about it.

  2. Great post. I’m in, and will jump the gun by posting this letter I wrote to my Mother when she moved across the country last year.

    When I sat down to write this I thought about writing a thank you , I love you, and will miss you note. While all those are true, and go without saying, I find myself at a loss for words ,which doesn’t happen very often.
    I laughed, realizing how appropriate it is, for both of us that clarity is now the dish served cold. On second thought it is presumptuous of me to assume that your clarity is as stone cold. I would be selling you short if I lumped your seemingly endless capacity to take a hit in with my new found acceptance of who I was and why I was so happy.
    It’s important that you understand – you make me happy. My thank you is for making me different. For opening my eyes, for making me think, question and imagine. You planted a little seed, so long ago. Sometimes you forgot to water it, sometimes it almost died, in the end, your kindness patience, and nurturing paid off. It took most of a lifetime, yet it finally bloomed.
    You had so many dreams. You pictured your life differently. You had no idea you were going to grow the perfect flower. Thank you for making me bloom, for creating something special. We’re so much alike. We’ve both made mistakes that at times crush us with their weight. I forgive you, as you have forgiven me. What’s more important is I’ve forgiven myself; you have to do the same. You need to know that there is at least one person who understands all your dusty little corners. You need to know how beautiful they are when the sunlight hits them. I doubt what I have become would have been possible without your dust bunnies in my flower pot.
    Thank you for stumbling and picking yourself up. Thank you for getting a little crazy at times, and for never going completely mad. Thank you for standing by me at the darkest of times, and believing I would pull through. Thank you for hardly ever rolling your eyes when I talk politics or aliens. Thank you for teaching me that Red Winged Blackbirds only nest in bulrushes. You planted a magic bean, instead of a beanstalk, you grew me.
    I couldn’t be happier. I’m going to miss you so much. I can’t imagine life without you nearby.

  3. Why? The truth does not always set us free, often times the truth makes our lives worse because other people do not accept it as truth. In America I see a culture that is intent on masks, fronts, facades, and general lies, and the truth is merely grazed in public and the rest forced underground.

    I wish I had someone to confide to but unfortunately I cannot say that I have that. I don’t know anyone yet that has shown me they can take my true thoughts and reasons seriously while trying to understand them and not mark them as insanity. People have come to want the cheesy lies, because the fantasy is always laden with gold, whereas the truth is often dirty and rusty and unspectacular. I wouldn’t be scared if the truth was accepted and truly dealt with but i know what is done with the truth of how I feel and think and that’s why I created my (this) anonymous blog to let out those thoughts and feelings which are in a way “taboo”.

    So until a such time as people accept the truth or I have someone to actually confide in, the pages of my journal and the pages of this blog of mine will hold those thoughts.

  4. powerful… Sakshi… tears already with what “Notes to Ponder” wrote from BC.

    on a good day, i see clearly that i am a different person with anyone i am with. We are co-creators of a relationship that either of us can crush at any time. My image is a butterfly held between my hand and yours, delicately. Howbeit, that butterfuly is eternal and lives beyond our mortal times. Love is beautifully forever.[viz Harville Hendrix, Dalai Lama, or Martin Buber I-Thou]

    i don’t have an essential self. [don’t stop here]

    you are, of course, you are incredibly tuned in, you are right also. We hide facets of ourselves in ways that may not build a butterfly/relationship. We can build a proper self for monetary gain for power, for fear, for any number of less-than-ideal reasons.

    We can also build a limited relationships out of great boddhisatva, great compassion. i think of a gay couple who allow some of their elderly relationships believe “we’re just friends”. Both sides can read the deep love and know otherwise, the surface fiction allows warmth and embrasure between the couple and people who have very little time left in this world, people who would be cut out with “honesty”.

    overall, the Dalai Lama says, “it is better to be kind than right.” i am terribly right-demanding at times. Me on a bad day, “sis, you were playing emotional brinkmanship over the internet; not sure he had any other kind choice than to break up with you.” Me on a good day, “sis, you are really hurt by what he did………”
    Non-Violent Communication NVC , has a lot of good advice about how to be true to yourself in kind ways to others. E.g. “Do you want my opinion, even if i disagree with you?” if there is a no, the lips stay shut. let it go, dear one.
    i was never a big fan of “communicating honestly” when it means communicating hurtfully; now i have a theoretical framework or two to work with.

    So, the two questions i walk with about relationships and genuineness are:
    1) am i acting in a way that is cautious, appears kind, and may really just be limiting?
    in a job sometimes i won’t say things to keep the job. Politically i work w many fragile folks who need certainty, the appearance of power, and want to be idea originators. if i want to work well with them, i have to twist and reframe ways that meet their needs, even if it is a little bit weary-making. Having twisting/turning skills doesn’t mean you have to use. Going back to my friend coming out– working himself up to tell his family he is gay. Drinking and drugging while sorting out what kind of life being “out” means, who does he lose? Told his family, response was “My gosh Allen, you didn’t know you were gay all these years, we knew that.” Matter of fact affirmation of his deeper and opener self.

    2) am i with the right people? one of our deepest powers (cf Bandura, Jung, etc.) is choosing who we are with. Yes, we align w those around us; no we don’t need to allow just anyone to be around us, we don’t have to work that hard to align w our old friend Michelle Bachmann any more (US right wing politician, virulently anti- a lot). Say good bye to toxic reldationships and toxic aspects of relationships. Say hello to those you are hungry to know.. People like Sakshi….

    One remaps yr brain with other people– conversation, sex, art, music together, saving each others life. It is easy, brain is plastic, (see Love 2.0, Fredrickson to see how simple).

    Remapping onto others means remapping your internal workings. “i want to be more compassionate, funny, creative.” Do so by choosing people who make you your better self. Was that “honest?” Your call dear ones.

    • Very well said…
      I also believe instead of asking people around, for a solution to one’s problems, one should really take some time off and think on his/her own!! If fate has put you in a situation that means you’re supposed to come out of it with your own capabilities…

      People can so easily give advice to others but not work upon the same problems with the same advice in their own lives!!

      Being truthful to yourself is a first and foremost step of living peacefully!!

  5. Very interesting. Actually, I just put a book down where I was reading the exact same thing. And I don’t have any answers at the moment. It will be interesting to explore, though. Thanks for posting this and thanks to Bastet for the reblog. 🙂

  6. I hovered over the send button on my letter to you. It is definitely not something I would openly share usually. Maybe its because others get so uncomfortable or that I do not want to be defined or remembered by it. Or maybe I am still ashamed! Whatever. I do not usually spend time trying to hide who I am but I do spend time trying to be who I am in spite of my past. Great post.

  7. The answer to this question is a quote best summed up by Marianne Williamson I believe: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

    While I have never read anything of her, outside of this quote, I do believe there is a severe amount of truth to this. In fact, this is one of the reasons I love V for Vandetta movie. Not because of ‘right conquorering wrong’ but because of the line where Evey’s character said “I don’t want to be afraid any more.” and the moment where she finally broke free of that fear. So powerful. If you have not seen that movie, or if you saw it and didn’t realize the deeper meaning within, I highly suggest (re)watching it.

  8. Pingback: Mother’s Day Letter | notestoponder

  9. Large quantities of alcohol shows my true side, a manic depressive who sits in a dark room sobbing… Or was that the alcohol

  10. I think about the same things a lot. As a writer, often non-fiction and memoir-often I struggle with the truth. But it’s my story to tell and I must remember that and keep thick skin:)

  11. Wonderful post. You may want to read my post Wearing A Facade. Thank you for visiting and the like on Liebster Award! I will definately be revisiting your blog. Very interesting.

  12. Your welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read Do you wear blinders or a facade. I’m glad you found it. I forgot I changed the title just before I posted. 🙂 Your site is amazing!

  13. Hello Shakshi,

    I think that a lot of people are not connected to their true nature. We don’t know what is important to us or what we truly value without self discovery and reflection. I think when individuals hide themselves, they are hiding what’s inside. Maybe they are hiding the facade they are living in. or they are afraid of the small breakthroughs that they may be experiencing that goes against the person they ‘think’ they should be. There is also a lot of societal pressure. Often individuals have created their values and personality around what their family and friends see as important.

    With love, Amanda

  14. Fear holds people back. When we speak it aloud, it is admitting it. Many people are afraid to be honest/real with their Selves. They are ashamed for some reason. There are many reasons…also depends on the society the person lives in. All goes back to Fear-based thinking. I say: Let go of Fear! And open up like a flower 🙂

  15. This in an excellent question especially as are beginning to see the dawn of online communities in academia, church, business, etc. I have mixed feelings about this for many reasons. Your blog states one. I also think it can work in the opposite way–that one can say things that can be more harmful, hurtful, and/or hateful because they are behind a digital facade. Where’s the authenticity? I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt in real life. In cyber life….hmmm….its a real stretch. Would love to reblog this on my page. Asking for permission.

  16. Hi Sakshi. Thank you so much for liking my post. This post of yours is refreshingly frank, like healing energy coursing through the body. The hypocrisy that is so endemic to our society is the root cause of all our problems. It needs to done away with urgently. And this openness in thinking and expression and an acceptance of our wrong notions is the only way out. Keep up the good work 🙂

  17. We seem to fight the urge to retain enough of ourselves from sharing with others to preserve that sense of self and protect from the fear of rejection. Very few are willing to put forth all of their heart. How can you really know them until they do…?

  18. Nice post. It seems like the answer people are coming up with, intuitively, is fear. Fear has such a hold on our lives, but once we disengage from it a bit, sooo much freedom floods in. In my experience, the minute we dare to look in deeper, we see that what there ACTUALLY is to fear is often far smaller than what we IMAGINE there is to fear when we look from a distance. My practice these days is to constantly bring light to my own darkness, and through that gentle looking, watch the darkness to dissipate, and to lose it’s power. 🙂

    I’d love to participate in your “un-posted letter” series. Sounds awesome.

  19. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! Much as it makes for a great blog, he told you on the first date he’s not ‘there’. Whatever his reason (excuse) he’s just not up for it. Don’t go out with anyone who you have to convince. Noooooo….. Find someone who has to have you, no matter what. Delete his number, delete him, do it NOW!!!

  20. I recently published my book, Women Who Think Too Much. I held onto this manuscript for almost 20 years, afraid to be judged, because I bared my soul in those pages. I waited so long that someone else published a book with the same name.
    My writer’s group encouraged me to edit and finish this book and they believed that my words had value. My editor and friend poured her heart and soul into this book, she fell in love with this book. Read every draft, every word, over and over and over.
    My writing group believed that my words could touch and maybe help another person, and to my surprise, releasing my book released so many of my own pent up fears, that it helped me.
    I am out there now. ME, THE REAL ME. I felt the walls come down. And so, I helped myself, even if I never sell more than the 11 copies I have sold.
    I am not hiding in my blog, I am coming out.
    Hello, fellow writers. This is me. Jeanne Marie. I don’t use my last name because I will attach no man’s name to who I am as a person, as a writer. Not my dad, not any man.

    This is my book’s dedication.

    To my mom, Mrs. Grace Christine Doucette, 1926-2009.
    Mom, without your love and your support, I wouldn’t have found the courage to write this book. It all began with my first computer and a four-page letter to you in 1998. You proudly passed the pages (composed of essays, poetry and pictures) around to family and friends. When they asked for more, I let my imagination fly in print. That was how the newsletter, “Women Who Think Too Much” was born. Within a few months, I had subscribers in eleven states and Canada. The full-color newsletter grew to sixteen pages and at my invitation, many guest poets and guest writers were featured, but most of all, I will always treasure your submissions.
    I wrote WWTTM for twenty-four months and then I allowed life to get in my way. The bulk of this book was written back then, but never finished despite your persistent encouragement.
    It may not even be finished now, but it’s printed.
    I miss you every day…
    Until next time, love, Jeanne Marie

  21. Hey your letter Idea is really cool. Its nice to ask your followers to do something that engages them on a deeper level. I will keep that in mind. It makes the blog organic in my eyes, alive. I wonder what letter I would share, that I never sent, probably a love letter. And it was probably a good idea that I never sent it. lol. Thank you so much for liking my blog, kinda new to the game, appreciate that, cheers 🙂

      • k. 🙂 I accept. Not a traditional love letter, which is why I never sent it. I was thinking about that state of my love at the time.

        Some love stories are remarked as beautiful
        praised for their elegance
        Some love is noble and well intended
        and then there is love that is marked
        by its reckless but unashamed, divine nature
        it reaches parts of you, so many parts
        so quickly, it does things to your body,
        it enflames
        affects you in a way that makes you want to cry
        out of pity for the loves that never had a chance
        to live
        so it could never die
        pity for those that despite their good intentions
        could not budge the sword out of the stone
        of your cold sleeping heart
        that despite their good intentions
        fail to see you for the wild ugly beast you are
        a blue bristled lion
        an ambling, roaring phoenix
        real love is marked and it marks you
        and it doesn’t matter how hard you run
        the faster you run
        the faster it catches up with you
        To stare into your eyes”

  22. This is a very good post. Thank you for sharing it. I have thought the same thing and questioned it. I have learned that there are people you can share with, because you feel you can trust them, but then there are those you can’t because either you can’t trust them or because you know they can’t handle the truth about things.

    To post things on facebook and blogs is a HUGE step a person would take, because you just never know who will read it. There is no control in who reads what you post. And as I have read some posts on facebook, some of those posts really shouldn’t be posted at all, but it’s out there for everybody to see. We need to be wise with who we share things and what we share. When we share does it help or do more damage? There are a lot of things to take into consideration.

    • True that…but sharing on blog is more courageous than on Facebook- FB has privacy settings and all, but something on the blog is all over on the net- can be accessed by anyone anytime..

  23. Like most people here in the comment section, certainly fear is what holds us back in most cases. Fear of judgement, and the fear of consequence. I find it hard to be contrived, though, but I do restrain myself from being 100% “me”, otherwise I’d probably scare people away hahah

    I would love to be a part of the un-posted letter series, I actually stumbled upon a rather humorous one I wrote a while back titled “to my fifth grade maths teacher”, what a shrew she was. But I could tackle a more serious topic too (parents, friends, myself etc.). I think it is a really solid idea, and a great opportunity for those who get to feature.

    Anyway, thanks for liking one of my posts – I cannot remember when you did because I am useless with keeping up with WordPress notifications – but I am glad I rechecked, as I wouldn’t have stumbled upon this 🙂

      • Lovely, I will hopefully be in touch in the future with a letter to share.
        And I shall continue to pop by 🙂
        Have a good one

  24. It all comes down to vulnerability. In the beginning everything is open. Grateful to share everything I never dared to tell to anyone … then come the dark clouds … the other is a human being too, and unfortunately …
    The shell slowly closes after each hurtful act or comment or even facial expression …
    Until it is completely closed. For ever.

  25. Such an amazing thought provoking post. I love the idea of you posting unsent letters. It’s strangely therapeutic to put how you feel in writing knowing you’re the only one who will see it

  26. Many times, we are confronted with such notions.
    Thank you for liking my ‘Family of WordPress Award’ and your future visits and likes 🙂

  27. What a thought-provoking post. While the reason for hiding may be fear, I try to remind myself that I should probably be more afraid of not sharing enough of myself in whatever time I’ve been given rather than fearing what others think of what I have to share. I *love* your unposted letters idea, too!

  28. I think the same, actually I started my blog because I wanted to express myself without people I know reading it. it’s really hard to show ourselfs with others, maybe for do not feel rejected, it is my case. maybe we want feign the who we want to be or the one we want others think we are. it is complicated.

  29. I think we wear so many labels that we get lost in them. We lose our sense of ourselves without being aware of it. We see only the labels like mother, daughter, aunt, friend, co-worker, boss, sister, and whatever else we wear. We stop thinking about what is our favorite color, favorite food, and things we don’t think about everyday. It can affect how we handle other people and what we say to them and how we say it. I know it is not true for everyone. Maybe slowing down and taking a few minutes to remember our true souls and selves isn’t a bad idea.

  30. The letter part is truly a great idea. I might contribute someday coz i have so much letter to myself that has not been published in dashboard. Thanks!

  31. i think it is harder to be in a prison of your own making by saying nothing, rather than worry about being put in some sort of prison for telling the truth about how you feel.

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